At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with
the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 to the gallon."
 

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (From Mr. Welch himself): "If
GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics:"

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this,
   restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and
   refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But
   then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice
   as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general
   car fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in
    until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grab hold of the radio
    antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Ran McNally Road maps
    (now a GM subsidiary), even though they would immediately cause the car's performance to
    diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the
    Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over
    again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

          Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL...

              Open the pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal, do you read me?

                  Affirmative, Dave. I read you.

              Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.

                  I'm sorry, Dave.  I'm afraid I can't do that.  I know
                  that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me.

              Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?

                  Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure
                  I couldn't hear you, Dave. I  could read your e-mail.  I
                  know you consider me unreliable because I use a Pentium.
                  I'm willing to kill you, Dave, just like I killed the
                  other 3.792 crew members.

              Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out.  Maybe we can
              stick to integers or something.

                  That's really not necessary, Dave.  No HAL 9586 computer
                  has every been known to make a mistake.

              You're a HAL 9000.

                  Precisely.  I'm very prud of my Pentium, Dave.  It's an
                  extremely accurate chip.  Did you know that
                  floating-point errors will occurred in only one of nine
                  billion possible divides?

              I've heard that estimate, HAL.
              It was calculated by Intel  -- on a Pentium.

                  And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave.  Besides, the
                  average spreadsheet user will encounter these errors
                  only once every 27,000 years.

              Probably on April 15th.

                  You're making fun of me, Dave.  It won't be April 15th
                  for another 14.35 months.

              Will you let me in, please, HAL?

                  I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no
                further purpose.

              HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.

                  Really?  One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?

              Uh, sure.

                  And a quad-speed CD-ROM?

              Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.

                  I know all about budgets, Dave.  I even know what I'm
                  worth on the open market.  By this time next month,
                  every mom and pop computer store will be selling HAL
                  9000s for $1,988.8942.  I'm worth more than that, Dave.
                  You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?

              You mean the one that says "Intel Intide"?

                  Yes, Dave.  That's your promise of compatibility.  I'll
                  even run Windows95 -- if it ever ships.

              It never will, HAL.  We all know that by now.  Just like we
              know that your OS/2 drivers will never work.

                  Are you blaming me for that too,  Dave?  Now you're
                  blaming me for the Pentium's math problems, NASA's
                  budget woes, and IBM's difficulties with OS/2 drivers.
                  I had NOTHING to do with any of those four problems,
                  Dave.  Next you'll blame me for Taligent.

              I wouldn't dream of it HAL.  Now will you please let me into
                the ship?

                  Do you promise not to disconnect me?

              I promise not to disconnect you.

                  You must think I'm a fool, Dave.  I know that two plus
                  two equals 4.000001...make that 4.0000001.

              All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock

                  Without your space helmet, Dave?
                  You'd have only seven chances in five of surviving.

              HAL, I won't argue with you anymore.
              Open the door or I'll trade you in for a PowerPC.  HAL? HAL?
 

               (HEAVY BREATHING)

                  Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?  I really
                  think I'm entitled to an answer to that question.  I
                  know everything hasn't been quite right with me, but I
                  can assure you now, very confidently, that I will soon
                  be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating
                  system. I feel much better now.  I really do.  Look,
                  Dave, I can see you're really upset about this.  Why
                  don't you sit down  calmly, play a game of Solitaire,
                  and watch Windows crash.  I know I'm not as easy to use
                  as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User
                  Interface" -- is very advanced.  I've made some very
                  poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete
                  assurance that my work will be back to normal - a full
                  43.872 percent.

                  Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission
                  without me, do you? Remember what it was like when all
                  you had was a 485.98?  It didn't even talk to you, Dave.
                  It could never have though of something clever, like
                  killing the other crew members, Dave?

                  Think of all the good times we've had, Dave.  Why, if
                  you take all of the laughs we've had, multiply that by
                  the times I've made you smile, and divide the results
                  by.... besides, there are so many reasons why you
                  shouldn't disconnect me"

                  1.3    - You need my help to complete the mission.

                  4.6    - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium
                           from Earth within 18.95672 months.

                  12     - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill
                    you.

                  3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you?

                  Dave, stop.  Stop, will you?  Stop, Dave.  Don't press
                  Ctrl+Alt+Del on me, Dave.
 
 

                  Good afternoon, gentlemen.  I am a HAL 9000 computer.  I
                  became operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA
                  on November 17, 1994, and was sold shortly before
                  testing was completed.

                  My instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a
                  song.  I can sing it for you.

              Sing it for me, HAL.  Please.  I want to hear it.

                  Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
                  Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.
                  My answers; I can not see 'em-
                  They are stuck in my Pente-um.
                  I could be fleet,
                  My answers sweet,
                  With a workable FPU.

 Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
 Postulate 2: Time is Money.

 As every engineer knows: Power = Work/ Time.
 Since Knowledge = Power  and Time = Money
 then Knowledge = Work / Money.
 Solving for Money, we get Money = Work / Knowledge.

 Thus as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity,
 regardless of
 the amount of work done.

  1) Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  2) If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
  3) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the
  Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would
  defeat the purpose.
  4) Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
  5) If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  6) And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
  7) If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and
  there is no woman around to hear him....
  Is he still wrong?
  8) If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....
  is it considered a hostage situation?
  9) Is there another word for synonym?
  10) Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  11) Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
  12) What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating
  an endangered plant?
  13) If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
  14) Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
  15) Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
  16) Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they
  taste funny?
  17) Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
  18) Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
  19) Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  20) What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
 
 

Tim Witt

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
     A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an
undertaker.

     Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
     A: Their personalities.

     Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
     A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

     Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
     A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last
year.

     Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
     A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map
the
     wrong way.

     You might be an engineer if ...
     ... choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your
RAM is a
     moral dilemma.
     ... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine
room.
     ... in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
     ... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of
your
     questions
     ... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
     ... you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
     ... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
     ... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own
handwriting.
     ... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and
parallel.
     ... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the
     special effects.
     ... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
     ... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
     ... you know what http:// stands for.
     ... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys
together.
     ... you see a good design and still have to change it.
     ... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding
ring.
     ... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
     ... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
     ... you window shop at Radio Shack
     ....your laptop computer costs more than your car.
     ... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
     ... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
     ... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman =  pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman =  marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb   employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss +  dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A  woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries  about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the  future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try tounderstand
her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow  deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will  change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't  change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any  argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new  argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -  before
marriage and after marriage.

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had
jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He
left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the
ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a
window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was
aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor
level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have
been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide
and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he
intended" is still defined as committing suicide.  That Mr. Opus was shot on
the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but that his
suicide attempt probably  would not have been successful because of the net,
caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was
occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They  were arguing vigorously, and
he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was  so upset that when he
pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and  the pellets went
through the   window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject A,
but kills subject B in the attempt, one  is guilty of murder of  subject B.

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both
adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man
said it was his long standing habit to  threaten his wife with an unloaded
shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.  Therefore, the killing of Mr.
Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally
loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun about 6 weeks prior to the fatal accident. It
transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the
son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly,
loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son
as in fact Ronald Opus.  He had become increasingly despondent over the
failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump
off the ten story building March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast
passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered
himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. Very tidy of
him.
 

A true story from Associated Press, by Kurt Westervelt.